Anger

I am just so angry right now

I'm angry there's no "How much longer have you got" or "Are you still going"s

I'm angry my womb is empty

I'm angry there are no "Congratulations"

I'm angry there is no baby crying

I'm angry my arms are empty

I'm angry my life will never be the same

I'm angry that my husbands life will never be the same

I'm angry my earthly children's lives will never be the same

I'm angry that our hearts will never fully heal

I'm angry that after one "I'm sorry for your loss" there is only silence

I'm angry that people never mention his name

I'm angry that people pretend that he never existed

I'm angry that when I dare to mention his name there is only silence

I'm angry that when I bring up his existence others turn away

But mostly I'm angry that my baby died.

Finding my voice

It has been a very long month. Full of many ups and downs.

Just when I felt like I was beginning to cope, crawled my way almost to the top of the big black pit of dis pare, I've found myself knocked back down to the bottom again.

There seems to be so many new babies around at the moment and even more bellies have popped out over the last few weeks. With his due date looming near and no baby, I am finding it even harder.

Tears always close to coming.

It does not help that many people I know think that I should be over it by now. Seriously how do you get just get over it? It is not just some sort of bad thing that happened. It is the loss of a life. A short life that they did not get to meet, but a life all the same. He was a part of me. A part of my soul. I do not expect them to mourn him but I do expect them to understand that I do. That I need to. I don't want anything to do with these people anymore, they do not value what memories and feelings are. They do not value me and my family.

The loss of a child is beyond all other forms of loss. It is very difficult to bare. Especially when you have other children to care for, to have to help through their loss of a sybling. A family who has just experienced the loss of a baby or child needs an army of people to support them, help them find the strength to keep going. We have not had this. Apart from a few special friends it is just us. Myself, my husband and our living children. This is why this subject needs to become less taboo. More accepted, and in turn more supported. I was not the first to lose a child during pregnancy and unfortunately I will not be the last. Many other women will suffer a tragedy like mine for many years to come. So dispite that I know many of my family and friends will not like it I will continue to talk about my babies that should be here with us.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point. For sometime now I have been being respectful of other peoples feelings and it has been eating at my soul. Why should I have to keep quiet about our heavenly babes. They are a part of who I am. Not some shameful secrect to keep hidden away.