A Dad hurts too

From the very beginning of a pregnancy there can be such a focus on the mother that sometimes the father gets lost in the background, neglected. It is even more so when that baby dies. Everybody always asks the mother how she is coping and the father is often thrown into the role of carer and supporter of their partner and family, leaving very little opportunity for the farther to grieve for their precious baby. I too have been guilty of this.

As time has gone on, just as our experiences of our son were different the way in which we grieve is different. It often feels like I am on this journey alone and that my husband has forgotten our son, but in fact he is just coping with our loss differently. I realise that now.

In many ways he has received less emotional support than I have, as people saw him return to work and keeping busy at home they have assumed he is "over it". What they, and even I at times when lost in my own grief, forget is that men agonise through their grief and mourning just as much as women, and equally appreciate the caring word, the hug, or a recalled memory. Although men don't express themselves as openly as women do, it does not mean that they grieve any less.

Living with the death of your child is a pain that never ends. It is both emotionally heartbreaking and physically devastating. No matter how much time has passed that pain can suddenly strike just as hard as those first few days and you never know when that next moment will come.

This happened for us on the weekend, only a few days ago. It was Father's Day. A day that is meant to be filled with joy and laughter, but for us it was bitter sweet. Our three earthly children were there, but our other four were not. It was a day that our last son should have been here for. He was due around Father's Day. The perfect Father's Day present, a joke I had made from the moment we were given our due date. So this Father's Day was a very emotional one for us and for my husband especially. Filled with the pain of our loss and our wistful thinking about what could have been...

What should have been.


A DAD HURTS TOO by Judi Walker.

People don’t always see the tears a dad cries,

His heart is broken too when his child dies.

He tries to hold it together and be strong,

Even though his world’s gone wrong.

He holds his wife as her tears fall,

Comforts her through it all,

He goes through his day doing what he’s supposed to do,

But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.

So when he’s alone he lets out his pain,

And his tears come like falling rain,

His world has crashed in around him,

And a world that was once bright has gone dim.

He feels he has to be strong for others,

But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,

He searches for answers but none are to be found,

He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.

He smiles through his tears,

He struggles and holds in his fears,

But what you see on the outside is not always real,

Men don’t always show how they really feel.

So I’d like to ask a favour of you,

The next time you see a mother hurting 
over the loss of her child, 
please remember…..

A Dad hurts too.

Anger

I am just so angry right now

I'm angry there's no "How much longer have you got" or "Are you still going"s

I'm angry my womb is empty

I'm angry there are no "Congratulations"

I'm angry there is no baby crying

I'm angry my arms are empty

I'm angry my life will never be the same

I'm angry that my husbands life will never be the same

I'm angry my earthly children's lives will never be the same

I'm angry that our hearts will never fully heal

I'm angry that after one "I'm sorry for your loss" there is only silence

I'm angry that people never mention his name

I'm angry that people pretend that he never existed

I'm angry that when I dare to mention his name there is only silence

I'm angry that when I bring up his existence others turn away

But mostly I'm angry that my baby died.

Finding my voice

It has been a very long month. Full of many ups and downs.

Just when I felt like I was beginning to cope, crawled my way almost to the top of the big black pit of dis pare, I've found myself knocked back down to the bottom again.

There seems to be so many new babies around at the moment and even more bellies have popped out over the last few weeks. With his due date looming near and no baby, I am finding it even harder.

Tears always close to coming.

It does not help that many people I know think that I should be over it by now. Seriously how do you get just get over it? It is not just some sort of bad thing that happened. It is the loss of a life. A short life that they did not get to meet, but a life all the same. He was a part of me. A part of my soul. I do not expect them to mourn him but I do expect them to understand that I do. That I need to. I don't want anything to do with these people anymore, they do not value what memories and feelings are. They do not value me and my family.

The loss of a child is beyond all other forms of loss. It is very difficult to bare. Especially when you have other children to care for, to have to help through their loss of a sybling. A family who has just experienced the loss of a baby or child needs an army of people to support them, help them find the strength to keep going. We have not had this. Apart from a few special friends it is just us. Myself, my husband and our living children. This is why this subject needs to become less taboo. More accepted, and in turn more supported. I was not the first to lose a child during pregnancy and unfortunately I will not be the last. Many other women will suffer a tragedy like mine for many years to come. So dispite that I know many of my family and friends will not like it I will continue to talk about my babies that should be here with us.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point. For sometime now I have been being respectful of other peoples feelings and it has been eating at my soul. Why should I have to keep quiet about our heavenly babes. They are a part of who I am. Not some shameful secrect to keep hidden away.

It won't happen to me syndrome

We never think that it will happen to us, but it happens so there is a chance it can happen to us.

It drives me nuts now when people think it will never happen to them.  Well guess what I never thought it would happen to me.

 Never once did I think I would ever have a miscarriage, after all I’d already had 2 healthy pregnancies that kind of thing doesn’t happen to me.  Well it did. 

Then I thought I’ve already had the unfortunate luck of having one miscarriage so it won’t happen to me again, but guess what it did. 

It also never occurred to me that I would be one of those unfortunate people whose baby would die after 12 weeks gestation, but again it did. 

I bet that every person that died in some freak accident thought it would never happen to them either. 

These things do happen, so what stops them from happening to you?  Luck.  Pure Luck.  Caution does play a part, but it is mostly luck.  Sometimes these bad things will happen to the most cautious of people who took no risks at all while others who took every single risk have a perfect experience.  So it all has to come down to luck.

Simple pure dumb luck.

The story so far...

It has taken me a long time to right this post, mainly because I was not sure how much or how little information to put in.  In the end I decided to keep it brief.  I will expand on the details in future posts if it seems important.

My husband and I have been married for 11 years now.  Our first two pregnancies went without a hitch.  I had to have an emergency caesarean with the first and an elective with the second.  We were very happy with our two beautiful daughters but wanting a large family we tried for number three.  This is where our lives took a detour.

On the 30^th December 2006 two days after we had announced our third pregnancy, I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks gestation.  It was during my miscarriage that I discovered that I had been carrying twins. Two months later while still grieving our loss I accidentally fell pregnant again.  Our fourth pregnancy was successful, resulting in our longed for son.

Two years later we decided to try for a fourth living child.  Conception took a little longer than previous times but eventually two pink lines appeared on a stick.  Unusually I was not as excited as I thought I would be upon seeing a positive result.  Instead I was filled with something I can only describe as dread.  The reason for this was explained a week later when I miscarried again, at 6 weeks this time.

We continued to try again after a short while, but nothing.  Two more years later there was still no pregnancy.  We had begun to except that it was not to be.  We had 3 beautiful happy children and we were thankful for that.  Then amongst most of our friends announcements I realised that I was suffering from the same symptoms they were complaining about.  I was finally after all that time pregnant again.

Things continued on smoothly until my waters broke at 17 weeks and I went into spontaneous premature labour 4 days later and delivered our second son at home.  He was born alive but died within minutes in my hands due to severe prematurity.  Because he was born alive it has been medically classified as premature labour and neonatal death rather than a late miscarriage like they are normally called under 20 weeks gestation.

So that is where we are today.  Six pregnancies, three living children and four little angels.

I know it's not really all that brief but it is hard to sum up 11 years.

What this blog is about

These last few months my family and I have been going through some really rough stuff, things that no family or mother should ever have to go through - the early end of a pregnancy, the death of that baby, and the pain and sorrow that follows.

I do not know anyone else who has been through a similar experience therefore I haven’t been able to find comfort for what I am going through anywhere.  I need somewhere to get all the thoughts that are swirling around inside my head out, before they drive me insane.  So I am here writing in the hopes of comforting myself and subsequently my family.

This will be a blog where I share what I have gone through and what I am going through in rebuilding my grieving family.  I will start with some posts on what has happened so far, and then continue to update as things continue to happen.

I will be keeping this anonymous, for the protection of my family and friends.