From the very beginning of a pregnancy there can be such a focus on the mother that sometimes the father gets lost in the background, neglected. It is even more so when that baby dies. Everybody always asks the mother how she is coping and the father is often thrown into the role of carer and supporter of their partner and family, leaving very little opportunity for the farther to grieve for their precious baby. I too have been guilty of this.
As time has gone on, just as our experiences of our son were different the way in which we grieve is different. It often feels like I am on this journey alone and that my husband has forgotten our son, but in fact he is just coping with our loss differently. I realise that now.
In many ways he has received less emotional support than I have, as people saw him return to work and keeping busy at home they have assumed he is "over it". What they, and even I at times when lost in my own grief, forget is that men agonise through their grief and mourning just as much as women, and equally appreciate the caring word, the hug, or a recalled memory. Although men don't express themselves as openly as women do, it does not mean that they grieve any less.
Living with the death of your child is a pain that never ends. It is both emotionally heartbreaking and physically devastating. No matter how much time has passed that pain can suddenly strike just as hard as those first few days and you never know when that next moment will come.
This happened for us on the weekend, only a few days ago. It was Father's Day. A day that is meant to be filled with joy and laughter, but for us it was bitter sweet. Our three earthly children were there, but our other four were not. It was a day that our last son should have been here for. He was due around Father's Day. The perfect Father's Day present, a joke I had made from the moment we were given our due date. So this Father's Day was a very emotional one for us and for my husband especially. Filled with the pain of our loss and our wistful thinking about what could have been...
What should have been.
A DAD HURTS TOO by Judi Walker.
People don’t always see the tears a dad cries,
His heart is broken too when his child dies.
He tries to hold it together and be strong,
Even though his world’s gone wrong.
He holds his wife as her tears fall,
Comforts her through it all,
He goes through his day doing what he’s supposed to do,
But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.
So when he’s alone he lets out his pain,
And his tears come like falling rain,
His world has crashed in around him,
And a world that was once bright has gone dim.
He feels he has to be strong for others,
But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,
He searches for answers but none are to be found,
He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.
He smiles through his tears,
He struggles and holds in his fears,
But what you see on the outside is not always real,
Men don’t always show how they really feel.
So I’d like to ask a favour of you,
The next time you see a mother hurting
over the loss of her child,
please
remember…..
A Dad hurts too.
